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s a little girl growing up, I used to
fantasize about being a doctor, having a husband and a bunch of children. In
adulthood when my fantasy was actually my reality, I was pretty pleased with
myself. I had proven to myself, family and friends that I was smart enough to
accomplish the lofty goals that I had set.
From the first moment that I voiced my desire to be a doctor at
age eight, I got nothing but encouragement from everyone. My father toted my
report card around to show off his daughter’s academic prowess. I was taught to
take blood pressure and would entertain family and friends with this skill. I
was being groomed to be the next Dr. Grant (continuing in my father’s career).
My father died a month before I entered medical school. Many people thought I
would defer admission, but I did not. Those first few months after his death
were some of the loneliest, pathetic times of my life, but I persevered. In my
second year of school, I met the man who would become my husband. We dated for
almost 5 years before marrying. People always complimented us on being such a
“together” couple. We had our first baby a year after our marriage and the
second child, 15 months after the first. I wanted to have my children close
together, because there was no way I would let the fact that I had waited until
my thirties to have children affect my dream of a big family.
Our children were beautiful, I just got a high-paying full-time job and we were
the envy of friends and family. My life was great! Until ….one night I found
myself sobbing uncontrollably and feeling completely out of control. The cries
racked my body. I felt even more helpless than when my father died. My husband
watched helplessly as I writhed in the bed, unable to calm me. He looked at me
with eyes I had never seen before. It was as if he did not know me. He was truly
worried. I can’t remember whether I was crying out of frustration at not being
able to accomplish everything, or whether it was just admitting that I could not
be Superwoman. I felt like my life was completely out of control, and I could
not to anything to get a handle on any of it. I felt like a failure as a mother,
as a wife and as a doctor. In my mind, I had let my family down and all those
people who had perceived me as their role model.
Eventually, I got myself together. (I had to sleep on it). I had
a talk with my husband, and later, I came up with a plan of action. I realized
that I couldn’t have it all. There was absolutely no way I could continue to do
what I had been doing at that pace and remain sane. Something had to give. That
night I felt it was my sanity. It later dawned on me that my parents had
encouraged me to pursue all my dreams and be a self-reliant, independent woman;
yet they maintained a traditional house with my mother home, maintaining the
house while my father worked himself into an early grave. With that came the
revelation that “having it all” is just a myth.
I took a look at my life and decided I wanted to keep my sanity, so I chose to
restructure my career goals. I put my job in the backseat and started to
concentrate on my family. “So what if I don’t become Surgeon General!” Although
I loved working with children, I love my own children even more. I also came to
the conclusion that my job would never love me back, and although my employer
made me feel like the office would fall apart without me, I knew that I was
replaceable. I quit my job and started to work part time here and there until I
could find something that was more conducive to family life. When I did so, I
was told by my boss, another female, that she doubted I had “what it took” to be
a good doctor, since I lacked the “dedication necessary” to succeed.
As part of my recovery, I began to let some things slide. I stopped trying to
cook everyday, and my house is far from spotless. And I am fine with it. I
stopped scheduling my children for multiple enrichment activities. I streamline
by having them participate in school activities, rather than having to drive
them here and there. I am happier, less stressed, and the children seem to enjoy
some free time. My children really don’t want the stuff that the money buys;
they just want me.
We did go on to have our third baby after a long gap. I frequently ask myself
“What were we thinking….” I am still far from perfect, but I am more able to
manage the things that come my way. I feel harried, but not out of control.
Well, maybe sometimes, but I can laugh about it.
In an effort to save you from a breakdown and subsequent epiphany, follow these
tips for a happier you:
1. Your family is your priority. Your children are a part of your life, not an
intrusion.
2. Cut back your work hours until you can do your duties (at work and home)
well.
3. Recruit help. Nothing is wrong with having a housekeeper, sitter, friend,
grandparent or husband help you.
4. Avoid multiple activities, especially on the same day.
5. Streamline. Participate in recreation center activities so that you can
enroll your children in simultaneous activities instead of back-to-back.
6. Plan ahead. Cook dinner in the morning rather than trying to do it when the
children get out of school.
7. Skip a day. Get take-out every once in a while. Give yourself a break from
cleaning.
8. Enjoy simple things like story telling, roasting marshmallows, or just
holding your children in your arms.
9. Spend alone time with your partner, husband or baby-daddy.
10. Be flexible
11. Join a support group for moms; preferably one where you can truly be honest
instead of acting like life is perfect.
In an effort to save my girls from the I breakdown I had to experience in order
to re-prioritize, I will tell them the truth: You can’t be Superwoman. You can’t
do everything. Concentrate on your family. I’m hoping to save then some pain,
but they probably wont listen to me anyway. All I can do is try.
For some reason, there are still many people who continue to believe that I have
it all. The difference between now and then is that I have no qualms about
revealing my daily struggles to balance all the aspects of my life.
Sophia R. Grant is a wife of nine years to Dale Manuel and the mother to three
beautiful children. She is also a pediatrician who practices part-time.She will
launch website, MomtoMomPediatrics.com in April 2005.
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